The nuttycracker

When I was a kid, my mother would take us on a day trip to downtown Boston to see the Christmas village at Jordan Marsh. We also went to see Edaville railroad and Pleasure Island at Christmas time to get into the holiday spirit.

Last weekend, my mother and I went to see "A Christmas Carol" at one of the local small playhouses. I have to say, it was terrific. We both really enjoyed it.

A few years ago, my best pal of many years suggested we 'doll up" and see the "Nutcracker" (ballet) in Boston. I've never been to it so I thought, "that sounds like it would a classy elegant festive thing to do!". We wore our best holiday velvets and (faux) fur coats.

When we got there it was packed with kids.

Grouchy spoiled kids dressed like they were going to play video games. The parents weren't that much better. I have no idea why parents would drag their kids to a ballet.

I got to tell you, after five minutes, I was questioning myself of why I was there as well.

It was awful.

After watching teddy bears prancing around I thought to myself, "what the f*&%!"...

It only got worse.

Adult men dressed like "tin soldiers" with rosy red cheeks and flesh colored skin-tight tights that seriously enhanced their man-hood were up on their tippy toes scooting around the stage..

My immature sophomoric side came out full force at this point.

I started to giggle, whispering to my friend, "oh my God..we are on the second floor balconey and I can see those guys puds"...

She elbowed me to shut up.

"A gay man's dream..!"

Another elbow to the side.

"Oh no! They are bending over!"

Another jab to the side.

Now I was out of control but it only got worse.

Somebody near us had passed some serious noxious gas.

It was as bad as my mother's ancient old dog Tony's rotten farts. I wrapped my scarf around my face with my eyes watering. I leaned to my friend and said, "oh Jesus, let's get out of here FAST. Some pig really let one rip". She agreed and she was also gagging.

We bolted for the door.

Seriously, it was the worst thing I ever went to.

When ever I see the commercial on TV advertising "the Boston ballet's Nutcracker" I burst out laughing. My husband would then say to me, "I would never take you to see that".

I chuckle to myself, "Thank God!"